Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
