youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
