Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
