Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
