why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
