Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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