i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
