So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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