I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
They took my balls.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
