If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
