did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
