So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
