So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
