I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
