Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
