her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My vagina just clenched in fear
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