I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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