wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
