This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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