I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
