I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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