guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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