feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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