the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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