Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You need Xanax blowdarts
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
