what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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