My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
