those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
