true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
