so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
