the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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