Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize