My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
