I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
