I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
