I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
