I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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