Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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