at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
