he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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