I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
