So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
