U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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