My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
