I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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