Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
