Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
