can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
