2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
