I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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