I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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