someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I faked an abortion last night.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
