Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize