I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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