when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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