Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
