I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Randomize
