I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
