my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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