only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
