Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
