I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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