We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
