i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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