if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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