um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
